positive vs. negative, or the electrostatic nature of my days

so i am looking for the positive all around me, events, things, moments, as well as images and thoughts. they are sparse. a call from a sister, very positive. a trip west to see another sister, very positive, a conversation with someone who i expected to know, understand and always be there for me, but cant, very very negative. so all has cancelled out and i am nowhere but where i started. go figure.
now you are asking "who is this fierce girl shouting for gay porn?" why, the inner me, of course, who has been self-dismissed, stifled, hidden, crushed, mangled and made generally unidentifiable by the events of my life. "what events?" you ask?

• growing older, turning 50, then 51 even.
  
• watching my children evolve into their true selves. diving into sadness while watching them suffer losses, flying to heights to celebrate their wins, gains and earnings, watching from behind the thin but obstructive separating curtain of motherhood while they weather their heartaches, their fears, disappointments. all of this eats away at the core of me, due to the empathetic nature of nurture.
  
• learning to live with loss, a very difficult concept. loss of a father, inevitable loss of a mother, loss of a newly found love, whose seed never had time to germinate, and most importantly, loss of a lifelong love and friend, a devastating loss because it is so unfair.
• a persistent disillusionment with life, and a growing understanding of the inevitability of my own death.
• last but not least, the inability to jump on my harley and let the wind blow these "events" off of me like so much stink and filth.

so shouting for gay porn is a little like creative visualization. believe it is there, and it will be. accept that it is yours, and it will soon become so. own health and happiness in your mind, and watch it settle into your life like dust from a passing road, slow but steady, unnoticed but obvious, timeless.