thoughts from the otherside

so "otherside" in this case happens to be the other side of the country, the west coast, seattle, washington, to be specific. i am here visiting my sister for the week of winter break, a glorious respite from school. after so many delays and glitches, i finally made my way onto the (for me, extremely claustrophobic) airplane, and for the sake of the great visit with nance and her family, endured the stale, germ laden air of modern travel. with my face to the window for the majority of both flights, all i could hear all around me was the coughing, sneezing, sniffling and general sickliness of people, almost as if i could visualize the germs being expelled into the air, waiting for the next vulnerable host. well, dammit, that was NOT going to be me.
anyway, it has been a wonderful week, seeing as how the weather has been cooperating with us. it has been sunny mostly everyday, and warm, mostly in the 50's, at times even reaching the higher end. we have walked and talked and spent a good deal of time outside, which is always a good treatment for clearing the mind and soul. i think by the time i have to return to the seattle-tacoma airport to board the flight home, i will have shed any and all bits of stress, irritation and annoyance that i may have brought with me; not that i wanted to, but that those things seem to normally travel with me like so many unnamed parasites. and hopefully i wont be picking up any new unwelcome freeloaders.
so to be considered by some a "true" harley person, and i use the word parenthetically, because i think it is total bullshit, i have printed directions to the local harley davidson dealership, or one of them i should say, because there are many within the local area. for me, the true measure of a "harley person" is the amount of time spent riding, thinking of riding, dreaming of riding, and planning riding, as well as preparing for my bike for riding, and then putting her away for the the next ride. but hey, thats just my way of thinking.

positive vs. negative, or the electrostatic nature of my days

so i am looking for the positive all around me, events, things, moments, as well as images and thoughts. they are sparse. a call from a sister, very positive. a trip west to see another sister, very positive, a conversation with someone who i expected to know, understand and always be there for me, but cant, very very negative. so all has cancelled out and i am nowhere but where i started. go figure.
now you are asking "who is this fierce girl shouting for gay porn?" why, the inner me, of course, who has been self-dismissed, stifled, hidden, crushed, mangled and made generally unidentifiable by the events of my life. "what events?" you ask?

• growing older, turning 50, then 51 even.
  
• watching my children evolve into their true selves. diving into sadness while watching them suffer losses, flying to heights to celebrate their wins, gains and earnings, watching from behind the thin but obstructive separating curtain of motherhood while they weather their heartaches, their fears, disappointments. all of this eats away at the core of me, due to the empathetic nature of nurture.
  
• learning to live with loss, a very difficult concept. loss of a father, inevitable loss of a mother, loss of a newly found love, whose seed never had time to germinate, and most importantly, loss of a lifelong love and friend, a devastating loss because it is so unfair.
• a persistent disillusionment with life, and a growing understanding of the inevitability of my own death.
• last but not least, the inability to jump on my harley and let the wind blow these "events" off of me like so much stink and filth.

so shouting for gay porn is a little like creative visualization. believe it is there, and it will be. accept that it is yours, and it will soon become so. own health and happiness in your mind, and watch it settle into your life like dust from a passing road, slow but steady, unnoticed but obvious, timeless.

my ashford traditional spinning wheel

so let me introduce you to my new adventure! i have wanted to spin wool for a long time, but never seemed to get around to actually doing it. things are changing now.

to nowhere and back

i look at this photo all the time, and i am drawn to what lies beyond the rise. as i look i see myself walking down the path of the picture, and i know exactly what i will find when i pass out of sight, a vast and tumultuous ocean, a northern sea, with white caps and translucent color that makes me stare at the beauty of it. i look to my left, and then to my right, and it is the same but different. sand shapes ever changing with the tide and the wind. i close my eyes and i hear what i cannot see, and it makes a loud statement to my heart.
but i live away from this sea, in a half and half place, cold and gray in winter; warm and green in summer. it seems i resign myself to a bitter acceptance of the cold and gray, because i so rejoice in the warm and green. where i live is a very beautiful place, when it is warm and green. there is so much to see, smell, hear, feel, touch, taste. riding through the warm and green on my bike i have a constant smile on my face for the beauty of the land. i cant think of anything i want to do more.

my passion (well, one of them...)

so i would like you to meet my girl, my best friend, my soulmate, one of the few things (besides my children) that gives me real JOY! not just happiness, i can get happy about alot of things, but joy is something much more. like delight, and bliss. i bought my bike in june of 2007, she is a 2007 harley davidson sportster 883C, and even though she came with quite a bit of chrome, i have added much more. this is a photo taken by the original owner, i promise i will update it with a new photo as soon as i am back on the road again with the warmer weather.
this last summer i put about 5000 miles on my bike. i took the motorcycle safety course, and got my license, and after that i wanted to be on the road all the time. my riding partner of last summer had a full time job, unlike me, who works seasonally (HA) and so i found myself on the road alot by myself. doing this revealed a part of me that had been dormant or hidden for a long time. i am not so sure why i moved away from that girl, the one who came and went when she felt like it, or on a whim, but it sure as hell felt good meeting her again. we have renewed our acquaintance, her and i, and it is a step toward reclamation of much more. kind of like discovering an aged and weathered cigar box with so many little, attractive and colorful stones saved merely out of love for the beauty of them. a gift from the past!
so the welcome task of planning my ride for the summer to come is facing me, and what i thought i would do is not an option any longer (to explain briefly, an extremely important relationship passed away recently and with it, the summer plan). but, my imagination is wide awake now, and i can tell it is going to be an excellent summer ride!

stripes

i was home from school last monday, not feeling well, so i knit this hat and it made me feel better. so then, i wore it on one of my walks, and found out that i really DO have a small head. it wobbled around and pushed my ipod earbuds out of my ears a couple times. so yesterday i wrapped it up and sent it out to seattle to my sister nance. she runs (i really dont get running) and it has been cold there, and perhaps most important, her head is bigger and the hat will actually fit her! HA! so i hope she enjoys it.

a new venue

well, i decided to switch to this interface; seems a bit more friendly, and hopefully it is more accessible. i wasn't writing so much with the last set-up, no good! anyway, welcome!